Sometimes...

waking up from a midnight binge + emotional overload to watch something simple as Iconoclasts can be very refreshing. An episode with Cameron Diaz and Cameron Sinclair [a first name that I'm highly considering naming my child[ren] if the chance comes] randomly popped on the tube this morning. What these two people do are amazing. Diaz outside of marketing learns as much as she can about environmental work, and Sinclair is an architect who creates living spaces for those who lost their homes from disasters (i.e., Katrina and the like). Instead of just simply rebuilding the homes, he finds ways for the homes as well as the its builders, grassroots organizations (e.g., Tennessee Baptist, BRIDGESUSA, religious groups, etc.) to attain a balance of sorts - most importantly, the balance between the humans, the home, and the environment. Encouraging organizations of different faiths, creeds, etc. to work together under one purpose is just the bonus. The two Camerons meet with each other for a couple of days to gain insight from one another. The show documents the meeting and shows insight as to what each party learned from the experience.

What I learned from this particular experience is that [as Wendy always said] I'm doing life wrong. Instead of focusing on what works best for me and my personality type, I've been focusing on what I'm not doing right and punishing myself for it. Hell! if I keep going that direction, I'd kill myself for real. And ladies and gentlemen, there's no cynicism in that remark! The thought has been growing stronger in my mind for weeks and weeks now so I should learn how to control it.
The Vaughn Tigo Project was to analyze my weaknesses and downfalls in order to learn and harness what I could benefit from my strengths. Originally, the process involved self-initiating a total emotional breakdown then slowly building myself back up. And yeah... - suicidal thoughts and all - my current workload and lack of happiness in my life would not have made this a great plan overall. So! I'm just going to roll with what I got and place a few patches here and there.

the first bandaid patch would involve...
Establishing the people in my life that keep me positive and staying close to them

• Dino, the one who put me on the book 'Do You' by Russell Simmons. It took me a minute to pick up the book, but reading it every now and then is what caused me to reset my mindset and further develop my vision. Still don't know exactly what it is, but hell it's a start! I digress. I've always looked up to him since high school. He's also one of the few that admired and understood my energy and shit [for lack of a better word]. He's encouraged me to be the crazy, lighthearted person I am, and I greatly appreciate that. He among the others also encourages me to follow my dreams [which actually are highly attainable through dedicated work and process]. note to self: lay down a plan on the specifics of one's dreams

• Scholar, found me in a fashion show while I was finding myself in the Memphis world. The only man I met after school that was serious about working together and collaborating on shit [once again for lack of a better word]. It's very hard to find a male role model - a black one at that! This man has an aura about him. People flock to him. He and his world I consider to be a safehaven of sorts. This is the same for lots of people that travel within his circle. Whilst there I am creative once again - sometimes creative to a point where I get frustrated because I most of the time do not have the means to bring my thoughts into fruitition. You know.... models, backdrops, set[ting]s and shit.
  

• Lala Pusher, my unknown enemy, ha! Someone who I have wished I have kept in touched with over the past year. Love's a strange thing... it also can keep you away because of fear and anxiety. She does not know [and never will], but the first year or so she was THE motivation that wanted me to better myself. Things always went her way. Everything I did was nothing in her eyes. She would simply '1-up' anything I valued. I would push myself to be better and better. I lost the fight merely out of my lack of focus (i.e., forgiveness and depression), but I'll pick it back up soon enough. Obviously, this was mostly out of hate but motivation still nonetheless.
  

• Hendrix and his organization changed my life forever. Many blogs were written of this in the past.
  

• Mac Jack an asshole of the best kind. He cynically scolds you so that you can better yourself. I guess he would be the stepbrother that actually wants to form a bond with you...however, in an asshole way. It's just hard for me to put him in words, but... he's represents a world that is yet another safehaven for me. One that involves family.

This would go on forever, but... I have to go search for an ipod and macbook pro before I lose my nerve.